Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
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My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
X-tra spooky blend
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good