Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
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I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.