me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
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Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Writing, She Murdered.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus