I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
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Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.