It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
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I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that