Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
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@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*