me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
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I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit