Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
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[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Gross if literal…Liverpool
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Sign of the day..
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris