Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
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[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
*praying for world peace*
God:
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”