You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
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I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”