[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
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If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?