I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
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got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks