Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
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Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Duolingo getting serious.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.