Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
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Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
A leaf blower, but for people.