“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
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WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
These 3D printers are insane!
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72