The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
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Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop