So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
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[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Just got to our Airbnb!
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.