I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
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Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
best first i’ve ever seen
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.