There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
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Cats are still liquid.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
So that’s what we looked like?
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now