5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
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NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!