person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
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You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Bro what is this
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.