*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
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The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]