I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
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Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
they split up moments later
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf