djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
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me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags: