If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
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let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Me checking my bank balance online.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
My dating profile:
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”