Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
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Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.