How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
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Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead