Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
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that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
12. I think about this all the damn time
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
drew a comic about my origin story
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.