Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
You Might Also Like
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what