Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
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ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells