If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
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Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
The best shot in the history of golf
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Ffs laughed out loud 😂