Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
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Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche