I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
You Might Also Like
☠️☠️☠️
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.