I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
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[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.