Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
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Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?