I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
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Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
went fishing caught a bass
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Why are bridges so flammable.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I was up all night reading about insomnia