*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
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I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Boating season is upon us.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Nothing.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently