im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
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Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?