what the
You Might Also Like
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
That’s what I call a flat tire
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.