horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
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Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Hey! This isn’t my car!
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray