I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
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You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used