doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
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Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I WON A HAM TODAY
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
No point crayon over spilled milk.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.