If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
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Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
WHY would you be happy about this?
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.