Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
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Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.