[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
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So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Bill is short for Billiam
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
A double negative is a big no-no.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”