chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
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She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.