Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
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PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
School be like
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists