wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
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Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
You are what you delete.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.