If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
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When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Noted.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami