[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
You Might Also Like
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god